

A Bachelor's Baby 

By KATHARINE KAVANAUGH 




e^ 



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A BACHELOR'S BABY 



a farce in <©ne %tt 



BY 

KATHERINE KAVANAUGH 



Copyright, 191 i, by Dick & Fitzgicrai.d 



^ 



NEW YORK 

DICK & FITZGERALD 

18 ANN STREET 



. P3352.I , 

Note. — The professional rights of this Play are expressly 
reserved by the Publishers, to whom Theatrical Managers 
should apply who wish to produce it. Amateur representa- 
tion may be made without such application and without 
charge. 



A BACHELOK'S BABY. 



CHARACTERS. 



Dick Summers. A Struggling Artist 

Elizabeth Clarkson His Friend 

Miss Smithers His Landlady 

A Police Officer. 
The Baby's Mother. 

Miss Smithers and The Baby's Mother may be doubled. 
A toy " cry-baby " can be used in the wings for the " Da-da.'' 

Time. — The present. Locality — Anywhere. 

Time of Representation. — About thirty minutes. 

PROPERTIES. 

See scene plot. 

STAGE DIRECTIONS. 

As seen by a performer oil the stage facing the audience, 
R. means right hand, l. left hand of stage; c, center; d. door 
in flat; Up, means up stage toward rear; Down, down stage 
toward footlights. 



Z 
©C(.D 23874 



A BACHELOR'S BABY. 



Scene. — A studio on the third floor. Pictures, easels, artist's 
tools, etc., in a state of disorder. Screen up l. Table 
down L. c. Door l. At rise of curtain Miss Smithers 
raps twice on door of l. Then enters. She is of the 
sharp old maid type. She looks about the room sharply, 
then gives an exclamation of disgust. 

Miss Smithers. Out, as usual. For seven days IVe been 
trying to catch him, always with the same result. Last 
night I waited two hours on the stairs, hoping to waylay 
him and present my bill, but he must have known I was 
there. How in the world he manages to get in and out 
without me seeing him is a caution. He's got it down to a 
science. (Sees note tacked on the edge of the table, tears it 
off and reads) " Have gone to the station to meet my 
fiancee. Don't disturb my things." Well, the nerve of these 
artists. If he'd give me my room rent" instead of orders, it 
would be more to the point. 

ENTER Dick, door l., in a wildly excited state, clumsily 
carrying an infant in his arms. When he sees Miss 
Smithers, he abruptly turns toward the door, but thinks 
better of it and appeals to her, 

Dick. Oh, Miss Smithers, I'm so glad to see you. 

Miss S. I suppose that's why you started to run. 

Dick. That was instinct, pure and simple. I've been get- 
ting out of your way so much the past few weeks, it's become 
a habit. (She looks surprised at his impudence) Oh, I 
know, — don't reproach me. If you only knew what I've gone 
through in the last hour you'd have pity on me. 

Miss S. Will you kindly tell me what th^t is in your 
arms. 

3 



4 A Baciielor's Baty, 

Dick (dramatically). Wait, — ^I'm coining to that — give 
me time — just a little time — and I'll tell you the whole 
tragic story. 

Miss S. (suspiciously). See here, is this a new scheme to 
put me off? If it is, I warn you, it won't work. In my ten 
years in the furnished room business, I've been treated to all 
the fairy tales and bunco schemes in existence. It has got 
to be a masterpiece that I'll fall for. 

Dick. Oh, my dear lady, how you wrong me. You see 
before you a miserable helpless man, longing for some good 
woman's sympathy, some kind-hearted noble female who will 
put forth a helping hand and relieve him of 

Miss S. Of what? 

Dick (thrusting the hahy toward her). Of this kid. 

Miss S. (raising her hand to ward him ojf). Stop! Don't 
advance another step. (Sternly) How came you by that 
child? 

Dick. Ah, thereby hangs a tale. As you perhaps learned 
from the tender note I left on my table, I went to the station 
to meet the lady, who, some day, by the grace of God and the 
picture-dealers, will be my wife. Her train came in but 
she was not on it. As I turned away regretfully, a woman 
rushed wildly up, and speaking excitedly in a foreign lan- 
guage, thrust this infant in my arms. Before I could say, 
" Beans," she disappeared in the crowd, and there all alone 
I stood, madly clutching this bundle of squalling humanity, 
risking my unsvillied reputation as a single man, and my 
fiancee likely to step off the next train. 

Miss S. And you expect me to believe that? 

Dick. Oh, you must — you must believe me — see, (Holds 
out the hahy) here is the proof. 

Miss S. Yes, the proof of your iniquity; the proof that 
I've been harboring in my house a villain who poses as a 
single man, when he is the father of a family. 

Dick (pleadingly). Oh, not a family, — don't say that, 
this is the only one I have. 

Miss S. A — h. You admit it then? 

Dick. No, no, I admit nothing — I don't know what I'm 
saying — ^you are taking advantage of my excited state to 
make me say things that are not true. 

Miss S. Huh, you could always do that. Well, you'll 
have to think up another lie, this one doesn't appeal to me. 

Dick. Then you refuse? 

Miss S. Refuse! You hav'n't offered me anything yet. 



A Bachelor's Baby. 5 

Dick. I'm offering you this infant. Take it as your very 
own. I relinquish all claim to it. 

Miss S. Young man, are you aware that I am a respect- 
able single woman? How would I explain the presence of 
that? {Points to the infant.) 

Dick. You could say Santa Claus brought it. Say any- 
thing, I don't care what you say, only take it off my hands 
before my girl arrives. She might not believe my story 
either. 

Miss S. She'd be a fool if she did. It is my opinion at 
the present moment that that child is right where it belongs. 

Dick (excitedly). You mean— you mean that I— that I 
am 

Miss S. Its father. 

Dick. No, don't say that. Believe me, you wrong me most 
cruelly. I give you my word of honor that I am not this 
child's father. 

Baby. Da — da. 

Dick (shakes it). You're a liar. 

Miss S. (who has half turned her lach, quichly turns 
again). SIR!! 

Dick. I was talking to the kid. 

Miss S. It's a wise child that knows its own father. 

Dick. If you say " father " again, I'll go mad and strangle 
this thing. Oh, that this should have happened on the very 
day Elizabeth is coming. Miss Smithers, you have a kind 
heart, can't you see the predicament I'm in,— won't you help 

me ? 

Miss S. No. I'm glad that your sins have found you out. 
It is just as well that that girl should see you as you are. 

Dick. Well, if you have no pity for me, won't you do 
something for this bit of suffering humanity? 

Miss S. What do you expect me to do? 

Dick. Make it shut up, maybe the thing is hungry. (The 
child had been whimpering at intervals since "Da—da. ) 

Miss S. I'll go down and get a bottle of milk for it, but 
what that child wants is its mother. ^^\^, \ 

Dick (to the laly, who is crying softly). Why didnt 1 
throw you down some coal hole, or quietly drop you into an 
ash barrel before you became so attached to me. (The baby 
cries loudly. Dick shouts) Shut up. (Pleading) Oh, 
please shut up, won't you? (Elizabeth raps on the door m 
Hat. Dick, very much startled, thrusts the haby behind him; 
he is frightened, speahs in whispers) A knock! What— 



6 A Bachelor's Baby. 

what if it should be Elizabeth. Fathers ! what shall I do 
with this? (Brings the child forward, looks about quickly, 
spies screen up l.) Ah, an inspiration. I'll smother it to 
death behind the screen. (Quickly puts child on couch, 
throws sofa pillows and couch cover over it, draws screen. 
Pulls himself together, and opens the door as Elizabeth 
knocks again.) 

Elizabeth (entering). Why, Dick, I was afraid you were 
not at home, I knocked twice. 

Dick (foolishly). Oh, that's nothing, I've been knocked 
oftener than that. You see I had my hands full at the time 
and couldn't open the door. I went to the station to meet 

Elizabeth. I'm sorry. I missed the Pennsylvania train 
so I came on the B. & O. 

Dick. Ah, yes, that accounts for your being late. 

Elizabeth. It's too bad you went to the station for noth- 
ing. 

Dick. Yes, but I came away with more than I was look- 
ing for. 

Elizabeth (looking around). How nic3 and quiet it is 
here. 

Dick. Yes, it is just now, but, — (Looking toward the 
screen) you never can tell. 

Elizabeth. What do you mean? 

Dick (glancing over his shoulder). It's liable to break 
out at any minute. 

Elizabeth (looks at him closely). Why, Dick, how queerly 
you talk. Have you anything on your mind? (Pouting) 
You are certainly not giving me much of your attention. 

Dick (takes her hands and kisses her). Forgive me, little 
woman, I've been awfully upset this morning, but I think 
the trouble has passed away now; we won't discuss it, let it 
sleep. (Is about to put his arms around her.) 

Baby. Da — da. (They are both startled.) 

Elizabeth {looking ahoid). What was that? 

Dick. Don't mind that, it's only the cat. 

ELiZiVBETH. Why, I never heard a cat meow like that be- 
fore. 

Dick (talking to kill time). Well, this is a new kind of 
cat — it belongs to a fellow in the next room — wanders in 
here occasionally. It says all sorts of things — in fact, it 
talks seven different languages — sometimes all at once — and 



A Bachelor's Baby. 7 

then again, when it isn't feeling quite up to the mark, only- 
two at a time. {He rattles on until she stops him.) 

Elizabeth (looks at him searchingly). Dick, how foolishly 
you talk; you can't be feeling well. 

ENTER Miss Smithers, l., with bottle of milh, she s^^fs 
it on the table, casts a look toward Dick and Elizabeth 
who are down r., and then turns toward door l. 

Elizabeth. Who is she? 

Dick {to Elizabeth). Miss Smithers. 

Miss S. (turns). You addressed me? 

Dick. I want to make you acquainted with Miss Clarkson. 

Miss S. Miss or Mrs.? 

Dick. I said * Miss '. 

Miss S., I heard what you said. Please to remember, Mr. 
Summers, that I am a respectable single lady, and act ac- 
cordingly. 

Elizabeth (over Dick's shoulder). Well, of all the — What 
does she mean ? 

Dick. vSh — h don't mind her. (Taps his forehead, 

winks at Elizabeth) She was crossed in love 97 years ago 
and never got over it. 

Miss S. (lias gone as far as the door, turns again). Let 
me remind you once again, sir, that this is a law-abiding, 
respectable boarding-house, and that I am personally re- 
sponsible for the goings on under this roof. I also linger to 
remark that that milk should be taken while it is warm, and 
also that an early remittance will be duly appreciated. 

[EXIT^ L. 

Elizabeth. What a peculiar woman. Respectability 
seems to be her long suit. 

Dick. Yes, she's very seriously afflicted that way. Some 
day it will strike her heart and kill her. 

Elizabeth. For whom did she bring that milk? 

Dick (hesitates). Er, — for me. 

Elizabeth. For you, — in a bottle like that! Ridiculous. 
(Laughs.) 

Dick. Yes, I know it is, — ^but, poor thing, I have to humor 
her. Sometimes she waits to see that I take it. 

Elizabeth. How absurd. 

^NTER Miss Smithers l. Speaks pointedly to Eliza- 
beth. 

Miss S. I feel it my duty to insist that that milk should 



8 A Bachelor's Baby. 

be given to that poor starving thing at once. It is my opin- 
ion it hasn't had any nourishment since yesterday. Who 
knows, it may die on our hands. A word to the wise is suffi- 
cient. [EXIT L. on gimng Elizabeth a knowing look. 

Elizabeth. Whatever does she mean? Dick, are you 
really ill? (Places her hand on his forehead) You do look 
rather pale, and you're feverish too. You've been acting^ 
queerly ever since I came. There's something the matter 
with you, and you won't tell me. She called you a " poor 
starving thing." Perhaps you're broke and have been going 
without your regular meals. I know you struggling artists 
do that sometimes. (Dick has been speechless at the turn 
affairs have taken. At this point he sinks weakly into a 
chair.) 

Elizabeth. See, you are so weak you can't stand. You 
must drink this milk and then we'll go out to dinner. (Takes 
hottle.) 

Dick (rallies sufficienily to protest against the hottle). 
No, no, — take it away, — I'll die first. 

Elizabeth. You must drink it, it will make you stronger, 
the lady said it had to be taken while it was still warm. 
See, let me hold it for you. (Offers him the tube while she 
holds the bottle.) 

Dick (weakly). Must I? 

Elizabeth. Yes, you shall not starve to death while I can 
prevent it. 

Dick (bravely attempts to swallow some of the milk, hut 
pushes it away disgusted). No — No, — it's too much, I'll 
starve first. 

Elizabeth (puts hottle on the table). You shan't do any- 
thing of the kind, get your hat and we'll go to that little 
Greek restaurant around the corner. 

Dick (jumping up happily). Oh, you blessed girl, — what 
a happy thought. We'll leave this house of too much trouble 
and seek a more congenial place. (Takes his hat, offers her 
his arm, and they start up stage. As they reach the door, 
the Baby cries, ** Da — da," Dick suddenly turns, resumes 
his excited manner) My God, no — I forgot — it is impossible 
— I can't leave it — ^I can't bear to leave it. (Comes down and 
sinks in a chair at table, his head on his arm.) 

Elizabeth (surprised). Well, if you feel that way about 
it, here take it with you. (Picks up bottle of milk and 
hands it to him.) 

Dick (holding out the bottle). What, this? (Laughs ex-- 



A Baclielor^s Batsy. 9 

citedly) My dear girl, — you think it was this paltry thing 
I couldn't leave? Where is my manhood, my courage, that 
a bottle of milk could chain me to the spot. Ah, no, it's 
the other — the other. 

Elizabeth. The other what? 

Dick. What goes with it, the other component part of 
that. (Puts hottle on table.) 

Elizabeth. Well, I don't know what you're talking about, 
but if you've got anything you don't want, for pity's sake 
get rid of it, before you have me as crazy as you are your- 
self. 

Dick. Get rid of it, but how? Aye, there's the rub, 
how? 

Elizabeth. Throw it out of the window. 

Dick {shocJced, rising from the chair and speaJcing 
accusingly). Cruel woman, monster in female form, to 
suggest such a thing. 

Elizabeth. What's the matter, will it break? 

Dick (sadly). No, it will not break. 

Elizabeth. Then I don't see the harm. See here, Dick, 
if you don't take me out to dinner very soon, I'll have 
to devour that milk myself. I'm so hungry it's going to my 
head. 

Dick. Hungry. I believe that's what is the matter with 
me, I'm hungry. (Stops suddenly, looks toward the screen) 
Oh, the poor little son-of-a-gun. 

Elizabeth. Who's a son-of-a-gun? 

Dick. I am, for keeping you from dinner. I know what 
I'll do with the milk, I'll put it behind the screen so the 
cat can get it, and we'll go and have a nice and Juicy steak 
with mushrooms. (Puts milh hehind the screen for hahy.) 

Elizabeth. No reneging this time. 

Dick. We won't hesitate until we reach the table. (Gives 
her his arm, they go up stage) To the little restaurant 
around the corner. (As they reach the door it is thrown 
open and an officer enters.) 

Officer. Ah-ha! Just in the nick of time. The birds 
were just about to fly the coop, eh? 

Elizabeth. What does he mean, Dick? Who's he calling 
a bird? 

Dick (running his hand through his hair). Is this an- 
other creation of my poor fevered brain, or is it a real cop? 

Elizabeth (pinches the officers arm). It's real, Dick. 
You can see its a cop by the brass buttons. 



to A Bachelor^s Baby. 

Officer. Huh! Inclined to be a bit frivolous, eh? 
Well, that won't last long. (To Dick) You're wanted for 
a very serious offense, young man. 

Elizabeth. Who wants him? He can't go, he belongs to 
me. 

Officer. He does, eh? Maybe you're an accomplice. 
There always is a woman in a game of this kind. 

Dick. So, it's a game, is it? Well, run away, officer, we 
don't want to play. We're hungry. 

Officer. Here, no more of that funny stuff. Where have 
you hidden it? If it's here, you had better hand it over 
without any more trouble. 

Elizabeth. Dick, have you anything that belongs to this 
gentleman ? 

Dick. My dear, don't expect me to answer a sensible 
question. My brain has gone into statu quo. Erom now on 
I must be led gently, but firmly led. 

Officer. Here, it's no use talkin' to a couple of lunatics. 
I'm going to take you before the captain. Whether you go 
to the pen or to the insane asylum makes no difference to 
me, see? 

Dick. That's real sweet of him, you see, he doesn't care 
what becomes of us. 

Elizabeth. But, Dick, at times he looks as if he knew 
what he was talking about. Officer, if it is not asking too 
much, why do you want to take us before the captain ? What 
is the charge? 

Officer. Kidnapping ! 

Dick. Help ! 

Elizabeth. Oh, Dick. 

Officer. It's my opinion you're a couple of dangerous 
crooks. You'll each get twenty years for this. Where's the 
kid? 

Elizabeth (frightened). Oh, officer, youVe made an aw- 
ful mistake. There is no child here. 

Officer (spies the bottle of milk). No? Then who's 
that milk for? (Dick has collapsed in chair.) 

Elizabeth. It's for him; the doctor ordered him to take 
it that way. Believe me, there is no child here. 

Baby (cries). Da — da, da — da, da — ^da. (All three are 
startled.) 

Officer. Ah-ha, — the innocent betrays the guilty! 
Where's the child? Ah, behind that screen. (Rushes hack 



A Bachelor's Baby. it 

and brings forth the infant) Caught with the goods. This 
will mean thirty years a piece in the pen. 

Dick. Every time he speaks he adds ten years. 

Elizabeth (cries). Oh, Dick Summers, how could you, 
how could you, youVe broken my h-heart. 

Officer. Stow the weeps, lady; that gag's been tried be- 
fore. It's you two to the stationhouse, and the less trouble 
you make the better. 

Elizabeth. Dick, can't you speak, will you allow this 
outrage ? 

. Dick (jumping up). No, by George, a dozen brass buttons 
and a stick can't walk into my dwelling place and heap 
insults upon me without even knocking at the door. Hang 
the law. I have my rights as a citizen of the United States, 
and these rights must be respected. Your Honor and 
Gentlemen of the Jury, the facts of the case are simply 
these. As I stood waiting at the church — at the railroad 
station, a woman, a foreigner, placed that child in my arms 
and then shamelessly ran away. I looked for her in the 
crowd, but couldn't find her. I even looked for an officer, 
but, naturally, couldn't find one. What was I to do under 
the circumstances? I brought the child home to my land- 
lady. 

Officer. Why didn't you take it to the station house? 

Dick. I didn't have sense enough. 

Officer. Well, you'll have to come to the station and ex- 
plain that to the captain. The mother of the child is there 
now crying her eyes out for her baby. She says she asked 
you to hold it while she got her ticket, and you ran away 
with it. 

Dick. Sh's a 

Elizabeth. Dick ! 

Dick. lady. 

Elizabeth. Do you really mean we have got to go with 
you? 

Officer. Sure; if the captain lets you off, that's his busi- 
ness, I got orders to bring you in. 

Elizabeth. Then lead on, we will follow. 

Officer (handing hahy to Dick). Here, you carry the 
kid. 

ENTER Woman hurriedly with outstretched arms. 

Woman. Ach, Gott in Himmel! Mein kind — da ist es — 



£2 A Bachelor's Baby. 

Officer. There's the woman now. What is she talking 
about ? 

Elizabeth. Dick, do you understand German? 

Dick. Not a germ. 

Elizabeth. Meine liebe Frau, was wollen Sie? (Goes 
to her and confers a moment in an undertone. To Dick) 
She says she asked you to hold the baby, while she went 
for her ticket. Why didn't you wait? 

Dick. Is that what she said? All I could hear was a 
string of fog-horn gibberish. (Goes to woman) There take 
your baby. (Goes to Elizabeth, puts his head on her 
shoulder) Now — take yours. (Cries like a hahy. She pats 
him gently on the hacJc.) 



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